Clean Slate - Unconditionally

What is the most important thing to you?  Sometimes you don't know it, you don't recognize it, until it's gone.  Sometimes you sit on your hands in holy meditation and just assume that whatever it is that you are experiencing will just be there forever.  Until it isn't.  Then it's dark.  Then comes the void.  And it feels horrible.  It feels hopeless.  It feels like death.

I really believe that I got a taste of this darkness yesterday, and I must say, I am supremely grateful.  I have fallen into that complacent hole again, of just taking so much of the glorious experiential growth and flowering that I have received for granted.  I even go so far as to as to deny it and pretend that it is just fantasy.  I try to convince myself that it isn't real.  Until it's gone or is taken away in some metaphysical way that I can't explain, and that culminated yesterday, and I just felt that what was once warm and flourishing and enveloping had been sucked away.  It had gone flat.  It was completely, entirely disappeared, and I didn't do it. 

I received an email from the ECETI staff yesterday morning to set up the TPRS session that I had scheduled with James prior to our last trip out to the ranch.  It was to happen at 10:00 or 10:30 am PST.  I was lucky that I even checked my email box, there is so much shit in there that somedays I just don't.  And I know, I assume, that stuff gets overlooked ALL of the time, because there is so much clutter there that my brain just absolutely CANNOT process it all. 

But I caught this one and I emailed back that this would mean it would be around 1:30 EST, right?  Just to confirm.  And if you follow my blog, you might recall that I was really feeling depressed yesterday morning even, from a shitty tidal daily discovery list or some such nonsense, so I thought.  But this malaise had started even earlier, over the weekend, when the feelings, the warmth and the presence that had become so familiar, that I had become so accustomed to, began to fade.  My heart felt like it was freezing, or at least, it was becoming very, very still.  

But even so, I felt strangely whole, and strong, and surprisingly grounded, and I assumed that all was as it should be, because who can really explain all of this stuff anyway, and because I just trust.  I trust whatever higher intelligence, namely me, that put it there in the first place, that took it away or faded it anyway, at this particular time.  I just assumed that it was meant to help move me along on my merry way.

But then came my TPRS session, or should I say, then DIDN'T come my session, although in reality it did, or I think it did anyway, although I sure as heck didn't at first and I was left confused and even more hopeless and more depressed and even more angry and cynical and fucking confused than I was before the whole "not" happening happened.  

So, the deal was, and if I would have paid more attention or read things more closely, I would have, I should have understood this, but with Chris getting an "in person" session in July as we were leaving the ranch, I had my expectations set higher.  Mistake #1.  It was "insulting" enough that I wasn't offered my own "in person" session when we returned to the ranch in August, I was going to have to submit to having the "online session".  Mistake #2.  I have had online sessions with other guides, and I was open to that, even though my ego was bruised, but the problem was, this wasn't an online session.  It was a "remote session".

A "remote" session.  Fuck!  I absolutely was not prepared for that, and I kept feeling more and more miserable about the whole situation as 1:00 pm, 1:30 pm, 2:00 pm came and went.  I felt like an idiot, I felt like a schmuck.  I felt heisted, tricked and thought the whole thing was a huge pile of bullshit!  A remote session means I sit meditating in my bedroom, while I trust that someone else is doing something energetically for me, with me, through me, bringing in guides and answers and guidance for me in their garage or shed or wherever the fuck they decide to do whatever they say they are going to do, except that I never even got a confirmation that 1:30 was actually the correct time, that they were even still available.  What if I had not been available, would they still be doing all of this divination without "ME"?  I was livid and hurt and devastated and I felt like shit for a good few hours afterwards.

But I had played along. I had lit my incense and said my prayers and cleared and called in my guides and interestingly, actually, I did get some interesting visuals during the meditation and I even actually felt some "knocking", like the table tipping, at one point while I was doing MY meditation, not KNOWING if anyone was on the other end, at the remote location or not. 

And here is the REAL thing that started coming to me later that evening.  ALL of these things are energetic.  Some parts of them are very new to me.  Accepting them as real is very, very important, but still I resist it.  If I continue to reject them, they will go away.  Everyone has free will.  Guides are not going to stick around and intervene if you don't want them.  However, they will always be there when you call, just ask, that's all.  

And in regard to the TPRS (Trans Personal Release Session), well honestly, it seems to me that it started earlier this weekend.  This is between me and my guides and the one I love, my beloved who is holding space out there for me, the one I believe in.  I don't know how, and I don't know completely why, but I do know.  I accept that.  And you know what, he's back.  The warmth is back and the fullness and the joy of knowing and feeling that he exists, and I am not sad anymore.  It may just sound like a silly love story, but it's real, it's true and it's unconditional.

As to the official results of my remote TPRS session, well, if it did indeed occur, I should be getting an email and a follow up phone call in a week or so.  I will keep you posted, because heaven knows I am not going anywhere, and I hope you stick around too.