Do You Want to Build a Snowman :D?

I saw that yellow butterfly again in the goat yard this morning.  OMG how I hope it foretells transformation in that arena.  Peaceful.  Flourishing.  In fact, it has been a better, calmer atmosphere the past few days, it seems.  Maybe that's because of the couple of handfuls of people who are joining in on my Meditations with Goats on YouTube. Or maybe it's because of the torrential rains we have been getting the past week which have caused said goat yard to develop this swath of mud between the far side, apparently the higher dryer ground, acting as a mote. And the goat feeding stations out front that have become little islands of mud in and of themselves, there is no rushing the mangers when it's so gross to get to them.  Or maybe it's the moon.  Who freaking knows.  I'm getting weary of trying to figure it all out. 

I watched my grandson this weekend.  Perhaps I'm a little bit tired. I watched Frozen this weekend.  Perhaps I am a little bit jaded.  All these symbols and metaphors flying at me.  Are we frozen or a fixer upper?  Do we want to live trapped and isolated?  Is that our choice?  How do we make it spring again? The answer? Why true love...of course.  The answer is always LOVE.  And my problem is that I BELIEVE it.

I want to sleep.  I want to wrap myself up in my little chrysalis and winter away for a while.  I want to emerge as that beautiful butterfly that I keep seeing. Every now and then I get a glimpse of what I think is freedom, but it is so fleeting, so elusive, so flitting...like that beautiful butterfly.  Maybe it is me just flying away.  Maybe it is me, just giving up. Again.

I do this to myself, again and again...and again. Do what?  Fits and starts.  Hopes and dreams.  I wear myself out.  I create a little...very little, then I take a nap (or go on vacation...visiting family is NOT a vacation...I digress).  When I wake up (when I get back), I'm just right back where I started.  Perpetual. I do this to myself.  Why can't I do something else to myself?  Something lasting.  I mean, it's not that dramatic, here I go again...but everything just always seems like such baby steps, or just going in circles, not cycles.  I'm not leveling up this time. Or it always seems like I am just never satisfied with what I have...with the life I ended up with.  So, I've been told. But who am I listening to anyway?  Even if I listen to myself, is it really me, or just some old stupid program running in the background?  How can I tell? I have to leave to level up.  That's all I keep getting.  But I have nowhere to go. 

Meditate.  That's what "they" say.  I need to meditate.  So, I sit a little bit with my goats, and I do a few minutes of "meditating" in bed before I go to sleep, but it gets me so anxious.  Things start moving and I guess I start getting scared of where they might go...where I have to go...there is nowhere to go.  It's driving me mad. It's pissing me off.  At myself. It's my choice.  What choice? 

What choice? Happiness.  I'm responsible for my own happiness.  I'm not responsible for everyone else's. But what if I leave and that doesn't make everyone happy? What if it doesn't make me happy? What if I cross that bridge and the grass isn't greener? It all ends up being just another fit.  Just another start. But the really elusive part is why I can't just be happy where I am? Supposedly me being me is supposed to be enough.  But if no one appreciates that, if it just ends up wearing you down, where's the win in that?  Where is the spring?  The butterfly is born in the winter.  She dies. She migrates or she dies.  That's the truth.  

But ALL of this, I keep telling myself, is just a season.  It will pass, just like every winter, every spring, every summer.  Another birthday, another year, another piece of life moving me around, like the pawn on the chess board.  Very important, but expendable.  Sacrificed for the Queen.  Be careful what you wish for. Do I really want to be the Queen?