The Three of Swords

 The question of the day: Why won't this go away?  

I thought it would be a kind of usual morning. I woke up, reluctantly.  I looked at my phone.  I was feeling tired, sad, weary...sometimes I just can't quite place the feelings.  I didn't really feel bad.  Just off. I had dreamed last night and felt sort of zapped from that, though I don't really remember anything specific except being in a bathroom stall and someone had graffitied the toilet paper and I was getting ready to use someone else's shirt tale to wipe with...it was a lovely shirt tail, silk maybe, with a hand-painted face motif on it. I caught myself before I made that faux pas.

This morning, real time, Chris came over to say good morning and give me a kiss and tell me that he was going to go listen to some "bowls" (i.e., meditate), let the chickens out and make some coffee.  I'm not sure what it was, but something about that just made me start crying.  So, I sat in bed and read some more about sacred relationships out of James Gilliand's book, Becoming Gods.  It got very, very dark outside.  It started to rain.  I turned on the light so I could keep reading.

Yesterday was a powerful day here at home.  It was Sunday, our day of resting and reconnecting over copious amounts of coffee.  We did some meditations and had some very serious breakthroughs, I felt, regarding our feelings, our finances and our future.  There were a lot of tears between us, but mostly mine.  This journey. This sacred journey is something else. It's wearing me out. I will not say that I am living a lie, but I am at best, only living a half-truth. That's what had to come out again this morning.

After doing the 11:11 minute singing bowl chakra alignment, Chris and I were talking over coffee about the meditation.  I mentioned that my sacral chakra is still off.  I could feel it during the meditation.  The energy surrounding all of my other chakras seemed to be moving pretty freely, even my throat chakra, which is unusual.  Perhaps the acupuncture that I have been receiving the past couple of weeks has been helping.  Perhaps I really did get to say what I needed to say yesterday during our very lengthy discussions.  Perhaps.  But I knew that in order to get my sacral chakra in alignment, I was going to have to speak my truth regarding that sacral area of my life.  I pulled a tarot card for guidance.  King of Swords.  Yep!  Making a decision based on fact.  Speaking truth. 

The second chakra area is a little bit hidden, a lot more private, than most of the other chakras, especially when it comes to the sexuality part of that chakra. OMG, I can hardly even write that word, sex, let alone say it. And I sit here shaking in my proverbial boots apologizing to my mom and dad if they would ever, god forbid, stumble upon my blog and read this post.  MORTIFICATION!  Am I 12? Geez!

Sex and creativity, that is the sacral/second chakra.  Creatively, I have been trying to hit it out of the ballpark, growing a garden, making YouTube videos and writing on my blog, cooking, building, even just reading and visualizing.  All these creative endeavors have kept my sacral spark alive.  The other is not there at the moment.  That other is what needs to be brought into balance.  This is a cycle.

ASIDE: I wrote 4 paragraphs that will not be posted here and have probably 40 more to write.  Too private.  Sorry.  In person, trusted friend only zone here.  Thanks for understanding.

Why is this cycle happening again? Because of the three of swords...and that's the rest of the story.  The "Holy Shit" no wonder everything is messed up.  The third party.  The heartache.  The suffering.  The cycle that will not quit.  The conflict.  The other man that's in my mind is metaphorically, psychologically, metaphysically, philosophically in our bed. Long story short.

To be...continued?  To be or not to be...?  I wanted to.  I wanted to be, but the other man did not.  Could not?  I don't know.  You can't make anyone do something they don't want to do.  Nor would I ever want to. That's manipulation.  That's coercion.  That's not love.  And I do believe that I love this man.  And that's the problem and the issue, I guess.  It always is in these situations. Whether he is here or not, whether we communicate or not, whether he loves me or not, it just doesn't seem to matter.  Maybe I'm wrong, it's not love just limerence.  30 years of limerence.  Maybe.  Maybe it's just a cycle. Maybe it's just my ego wanting to win. Maybe it's just a bad habit that I have. I'm not sure that it matters at this point. There is nothing I can do about it, about him.  I must just find a way to move on...again.  Stop the cycle. Fix myself. That's all.

I once said to someone about my story with this man, "time will tell".  To which she responded, "Or it won't."  I guess it didn't.  I guess it has. I didn't get the ending that I thought I wanted with him. That's the oldest story in the book, not the greatest. It's a cycle.  I've done all that I can do.  Wish he could have done more. End of story.

The good thing about the three of swords though, although traditionally in the tarot it is one of the toughest cards to receive, is that out of heartache and suffering can come healing and the maturing of our ability to love.  Three means fruition, harvest, fulfillment.  This pain from this situation can act as a catalyst for change, if I let it. I can learn and grow from these conflicts and difficulties rather than feel victimized by them.  

Within the three of swords, within me, within you, lies the potential for true growth and transformation.  The real greatest story ever told.  Let them make it into a movie.  It cannot be ruined.  It is real.  It is me really loving myself and everyone else in this story. Hoping everyone else learns to love themselves too. Love cannot be moved. It cannot be taken away. Love is never ever, ever, ever, ever wasted.