Manfesting (the freudian slippage of manifesting)

 This is a reminder to be supremely careful with words.  Words have power.  Words effect lives.  Words can manifest worlds.

Yesterday in my blog post, I was spewing on about how lucky a person is to get a dark night of the soul.  Well guess what?  I woke up with one today.  A mini one, I am sure, albeit a painful one, with tears, anyway.  The deeper and deeper we go into our awakening, the more mini darkness's we will face.  I am assuming this is true.  I am inferring this from my own life experience.

Where do these darkness's spring from?  From the shadow's I suppose.  From the unconscious, subconscious part of ourselves.  From the part that wants to be the victim, but the higher self says, "NO."

Actually, I woke up feeling pretty good today, but sitting over coffee and conversation, something dark just started creeping in.  I'm not sure where it came from, but all of these grievances and insecurities and bad choice points of my own life just started spewing out of me and I couldn't make them stop...so I rode the wave and just let them come out.  I let them go. So, I feel a bit better, and I feel like I processed a few underlying issues that I am struggling with, but I'm never so sure that my companion, my sounding board feels the same.  It's like our energy vacillates instead of converges. I feel good, he feels off. He feels good, I vent, he feels off. It's this weird energetic dance that we have a really challenging time doing together.  This has been the story of my married life. 

There are good days and better days and just really not so good days.  But that's life, I guess.  And that is part of my problem.  I am always searching for the ideal.  I am always wanting to find the highest good.  I am always trying to manifest the perfect life, the perfect place, the perfect flow, perfect feelings, joy, gratitude, magnitude, bliss.  It just doesn't continuously exist here, and I have a very difficult time accepting that.

And when I can't accept that, I turn on myself.  I may be disappointed with those around me, but I understand that only I can make myself happy, so if I am not happy, then I accept responsibility for that.  I try to change myself.  I try to find that magic formula, that magic meditation, the perfect cup of coffee that will make everything ok. And then I'm happy again.  Until I'm not, because I run into that vacillating energetic wall, or I run into myself and all the broken dreams and broken promises and unfulfilled plans that I have manifested for myself. 

And what is love?  What is power?  What is my real purpose here on earth?  I think I have it all figured out then I get hit in the face with, "Really? OK."  And I accept it.  I guess.  I try to accept it graciously.  I try to accept it in strength, not as a victim.  Not to feel sorry for myself.  I try to accept it and take my own advice.  Get up. Again...and again and again and again.  I really hope this story has a fairytale ending though.  There is so much work to do...so many goats, so many weeds, so many shadows. I hope that someday, I get the happily ever after.  Until then...I try.