Finding Joy in the Journey

So, she's back to this place already?  Yes, I am. It's all I can do.  Keep going. I am feeling better because I went outside.  Sunlight makes me feel better.  I feel better because I found a new hose to fix the problem of my duct taped leaking hose so I can more easily get water for my goats.

I feel better because I sat with my goats.  I saw them.  I talked to them.  I was with them looking at the world from their vantage point. I still don't know what to do with them all. I have to let them know that.  Things can't continue as they are.  It's chaotic, it's costing us a small fortune and what purpose does it, do they serve, really?

Out of the mouths of babes. That's what they say, right?  Well, this weekend, we had friends and family over to celebrate my birthday.  A young, but old enough girl, a rising 7th grader said, "Why are there so many of them?  I didn't expect to see so many."  Referring to the goats, my goats, of course. It was as if she was offended or repelled by the "many". She looked, but hesitantly.  All I could answer was, "That's a really good question."  I wanted to use the f-word instead of really because I am so angry about this whole situation. But I didn't.  I don't...usually.

Her little sister, a rising 1st grader, was more interested and walked among the waves of racing goats, back and forth, from one end of the paddock to the other trying to get a little petting time with one.  But the energy was chaotic, the goats ran and stared and jumped and ran, their eyes were wild.  They ran and fled. It really wasn't a beautiful experience for anyone. It certainly didn't match my vision of what my goats are to be and do for humanity.  It's humiliating.  It's exhausting.

But I am feeling better for the moment, facing the hard truth of life with goats and understanding that it's really nearing the time for the failed experiment to be put to rest.  I am not at peace with this.  I am not at peace. I wrestle so hard with that knowing, that so many goats must go, but I realize that it's the only way I will be able to find peace.  On the other side of the pain will be peace...I hope. And in the meantime, I need to, I want to, enjoy this flipping difficult crazy chaotic journey with these animals that decided to incarnate with me.  I need to, I WANT to, give them the best life and the most love that I am able in the remaining time that I have left with them. 

My reaction has been the opposite though.  I feel myself avoiding them.  I feel myself longing to be away from them, so I don't have to deal with the guilt of selling them.  I think that if I am not near them, I won't feel the pain of having to, let's face it, having to sell them for meat.  It really hurts me, and I cry, and I feel awful and instead of loving them and trying to make the best life for them that I can, while I can, I start to end up hating them, resenting them and wishing that they would just all go away. That's not fair. A miraculous transfiguration or ascension?  Beam them up, Scotty...that's not going to happen. 

I have asked others to do this (getting the goats sold) for me.  But they don't.  It's like they don't really want to do the dirty work, or it's more work than they anticipated to actually sell them online (not for meat). Sometimes, it even feels like they want to remind me that this is my mess.  This is what I wanted, so it's on me to fix it.  And I do take responsibility, partially.  Yes, I did want goats.  Yes, I did want baby goats so I could do goat yoga or have fresh goat milk. However, I don't feel like it was my fault that a tree fell on the boy goat pen.  I feel like it is really physically impossible for me to fell the huge tree and fix that pen all by myself. I can't really control that the goats keep busting through to get to the other side.  We fix and fix and fix.  WE should have fixed the boy goat pen 4 years ago. But we never have the money to do...well that's a different rant...since I am feeling so much better and all that.

And the crazy thing is that it's not like I didn't just eat some chicken last night for dinner.  The fact of the matter is that I am feeling powerless...to navigate my own life.  I feel powerless to get to where I want to go without the aid of others.  I feel pretty dang disgusted with myself in that arena, however, I know that I have worth, right?  I do have real value that outweighs the financial, accomplishment, matrix approved values that I seemed to miss receiving when they were doling them out.  It's not in my programming to make a bunch of money or have a successful business and all that shit. 

And I am vacillating here, all by myself, wrestling with what is really at the core of my self-worth right now.  Truth been told, it has been there my whole life.  But it's another one of those things that has to be dredged up right now and healed, for REAL this time.  It's time. I'm taking a breath.  I am ok.  I know.

To self soothe, I like to watch YouTube videos.  Of course, I want my videos to be as pretty as theirs.  But I'm not comparing. I'm just aspiring.  And I think I would like 4.6 million subscribers.  That is so beyond belief to think about. (Realizing too that with the lovers come the haters...don't forget) And I am not sure that I really want 37K people watching me build a gate.  I just don't know.  I want it, then I don't.  I draw it near...then I push it away.  The story of my life. But I stay safe.  I stay little.  I stay.

Anyway, this is a pretty youtuber with her pretty video in the pretty wilds of Sweden working on her pretty art studio...not envious, I promise.  Just thinking how nice it would be to have something similar.  If you fast forward to about minute 20, she gets into the meat of the matter.  She gets into how she and I are exactly the same.  We are tired.  We want to cry.  We want to sleep.  So, I guess whether you have 30 subscribers or 4.6 million, whether your videos get 37 thousand views or just 1, we all end up feeling the same.  I just have to imagine that having 4.6 million subscribers gets you a slightly bigger bankroll, the ability to renovate your studio, gravel your driveway or fix your goddamned goat enclosure, that's all.  Find the joy in that journey!