Underdog And The Great Win

Am I an underdog? I don't know how people see me, really. I don't know what kind of impression I make. I only know that people don't really gravitate towards me. I don't know if I am intimidating or repellent or just generally off putting.  I only know how I feel, alone in a crowded room. I'm not magnetic, so it appears.

I have been getting so excited that something might happen with my life and my art, yet history shows this to be a long shot. Does this make me the underdog? Only if someone is rooting for me? Does anyone really care if I win or lose?

Last night I attended the gallery opening for the art show that I am exhibiting in this month. It felt so sad and scary and lonely, everyone just wanting to be seen. Everyone wanting to be loved. But that didn't occur to me until this morning.  It was a missed opportunity for me to love because I was so wrapped up in myself, wondering how people saw me, saw my art and wondering if I could be loved.  It's pathetic.

There were praises and encouragements and glorifying comments about my art, my old art, my collages that I have been trying to get people to notice for 17 years, but no buyers... again.  "Your work should be in a gallery." Thank you very much, I have heard this before, now will somebody please pay me, handsomely?" No. We don't love you like that.

But there's always that maybe and there's always that chance and the tremors that are felt may feel like nausea, anxiety or the overwhelming urge to run and hide under my covers. But what if...

I've been really excited! What if I really could be living a life of meaning and fulfillment making and selling art and leading an artful life and leading others into an artful existence just like my beautiful neighbor I met last weekend?

What if the world, or God or whatever power that has seemed to have control over my existence and well-being really is looking out for me?  What if this time I get to play? What if this time I get to win?  

These are the thoughts that came to me after digging in the loamy earthen floor of my woods, clearing away brambles and thorns that wanted to get the best of me. (The brambles won, but I had the last laugh!) I might be scratched up a little, but I know that I am hopeful, even when I am afraid to hope... until I'm not. It's exhausting!

Art show opening last night and studio tours this Saturday and Sunday.  No, I am not my neighbor.  She is beautiful, but I am me and I have beauty to offer as well.  I have what I have and I am grateful.  I am NOT just beginning this part of my journey.  I have been teetering here for 17 years.  I am incredibly proud of the beginnings I have made. But where is my REAL progress? Surely there must be some, it just doesn't pay very well.

Someday I would love to begin feeling successful, accomplished and validated...at something. Anything.  I would love to master the art of something besides just surviving. I would really love to thrive. I realize that I am entirely measuring the value of my life on the money I am able to earn. It's a sticky place to be.

I did meet a few very meaningful people at the gallery opening last night, not because they are making great art or because they are making great money selling it, but because they exist, because their art is an extension of that existence and I was lucky enough to strike up a conversation with them somehow.  

In truth, I could tell that they were as relieved as I was to have someone to talk to and I realize there were many more there that I didn't get to meet because I was stuck in my own fearful bubble and self doubting head for a majority of the evening.

It's been a rollercoaster week.  I know I just can't quit, no matter how much fear I think I am feeling. Just feel it.  Let it take me under, then use it for my art... just don't give up. I say it but my heart has a hard time believing it. I'm used to being the underdog, but I have always been able to hope.  That is fading.  How many times can you lose? How many times can you fall?  How many times can you get back up?

The Fall. A song...by one of the favorite artists (Gregory Alan Isakov) of one of my favorite artists, Jessica Swift. I love the artwork/animation in this video.

My brain has too much information trying to run through it. Sorry if this post reflects this and is confusing to you. I realize this is probably a large part part of my dilemma/challenge. Trying too much. Trying to do too much. ADHD? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller? An open heart and "YES" most certainly got me here. Is it a good place or not? TBD.

Self-acceptance is the first step.  Which is admitting that you have a problem and you are helpless to solve it alone, or something along those lines.  I've never been in a 12 step program, but here's one more thing for you to chew on.👇

The link below is to a substack article written by my psychology professor guy who psychologically and metaphorically kicked my butt and made me cry a few weeks ago. But he's right (ageism is a thing, although I still want my MA & PhD), and he asked me to share his posts (which makes me think even he is struggling with being seen) and I thought perhaps my readers might be interested (his research is on well-being and resilience) so here...👇

https://christianwaugh.substack.com/p/the-intense-joy-of-the-underdog

For your convenience, here is an important EXCERPT:

"Optimism is a strong predictor of well-being, resilience, and good physical health. It protects against depression and feelings of helplessness. It is a powerful way to live.  But it opens us up to disappointment. This is where things get strange. 

Optimism breeds disappointment. I’ll say that again, the more optimistic you are and higher expectations you have, the more likely you are to be disappointed because good things can’t always happen. They are irrevocably linked.

So, we have to make a choice then. Do we want to live a life full of optimism and positive expectations but rife with disappointment or one where we protect against disappointment by always expecting bad things to happen? I choose the former."

Just some other things that helped me get to 4:00 am one day last week when I started this post...

Flash back to my last post: The art of happiness turned into religious triggers. 

Pursuit of "5D" is the new "religion" I have been trying to follow to find answers.  I continue seeking, because that's what spiritual seekers do. 

The energy of creation becomes chaotic if not channeled correctly. Even then, some days you've really got to hold on for the ride. Some days, you really have to let go.

I want beauty.

I want freedom.

I want peace.

This is what I want to believe.

This is where I want to be.

This is where I want my art to take me.

This is what I am building.

This is what divine relationships create.

This is not a manifesto

This is a poem.

This is an invitation 

To love 

To all.

This is where I want to find my meaning

with those I love and 

with those who love me.

I want my life to mean something...more.

Ok... pep talk complete! Go make something! Go understand the difference between surrender and quitting. Understand the difference between taking a much needed rest and going back to sleep. 

Maybe we'll stumble upon some meaning along the way.

Maybe we can choose a meaning that lifts our heart and autonomous soul. Maybe our underdog will win and the WHOLE WORLD will be excited for it!  That is a meaningful gift.  That is a significant win!