Go Fast

"The more relaxed you are, the better you are at everything."  - Bill Murray

Ageism, Ego Death, Being Wrong, Running Out Of Time...All The Things 

Isn't it something, that my poor journals always get more of the sad than the happy.  This post is for the record: I am feeling much better, more balanced and pretty darned happy now... until I went and met my neighbor. She's an artist and seemed kind and wonderful and she is living the soulful, successful artist's life that I have longed for the past 10 years and she reminds me, that I am not.

Am I envious? Am I jealous? Am I just so disappointed that my own life didn't turn out that way no matter how much I wanted it, no matter how much work I put in, no matter how hard I tried? I was alone in my vision and you can't create a lifestyle from a vision this big alone.  That's where my sadness lies, but I can't fully express it because in reality, I am still alone.  This is where my deep, deep sadness lies.  I know.

It's really crazy, and another choice point I suspect, and I am struggling to be happy right now.  I'm angry.  I know that's part of it anyway. There's more. The emotions of my worth are like the layers of an onion, and this one stinks too.

So, I decided to NOT catapult myself down another deep, dark emotional ravine.  I decided to continue listening to the above podcast.  I was really enjoying the conversation when I started listening to it a few days ago.  I couldn't listen to the whole podcast in one sitting because it's quite long, so I listened to a little getting ready for work, a little driving to an event Friday night and a little driving home.  Still, I wasn't finished so I thought it might help me today as I grappled with my satisfaction and cleaned up my yard and gardens for my own art event here next weekend.

For a bit it did help, and then it just started triggering me.  A lot of things are triggering me today, so I'm trying to find some calming effects from drinking zero calorie THC infused sparkling water and eating potato chips.  

I'm directly defying the prescription of said triggering video. I'm doing what I damn well please. I will observe the effects.  I will accept the consequences.  It's all about balance, you know. 

I'll be fine.  But that might be all.  And that's ok too, some days anyway, other days, it just hurts. It hurts a lot today.  I can't quite convince myself that I am enough, although my philosophy tells me that I am, something inside me doesn't believe it today.  Guilt. Shame.  From my religious program? Or because I have not lived up to my mythological "potential", whatever that is?

TRIGGER WARNING ⚠️ It gets religious, the video.  I didn't like that it started taking me back to my Orthodox days which is interesting, because last night we went to the Greek Festival at the local Greek Orthodox Church and I enjoyed that very much.  It was sweet, and I might have made a new friend... maybe. And in reality, maybe my neighbor artist will become a new friend too. Maybe. Won't somebody please be my friend?  It's ridiculous and pathetic really, painful but seemingly real and I know that I am not alone.  I digress.

I'm rambling, again. Twice in two days, songs on my daily discovery are about being fine. Am I bi-polar? No. Just a seeker, with highs and lows, feeling everything intensely, figuring, or at least trying to figure everything out. Realizing, maybe for the very first time, that it's not going to happen. I'm never going to figure it ALL out. And maybe that's ok. I just need to figure out why I am here today.  I wake up every morning, never really knowing.  I have to be here for something more than making flower arrangements... but maybe not.  If I could only figure that one thing out, THEN I would be happy, right? 

The jury is still out on this, and I am resisting my own life as it is.  When will I ever be satisfied? 

Am I happy? I'm fine. 

"Nothing can be attained 

without suffering 

but at the same time 

one must begin 

by sacrificing suffering."

- GURUDJIEFF

A REBUTTAL: Excerpt from Wealth 101:

Fast can mean to speed up ("Faster! Faster!") or to grasp tightly ("Hold fast!"). It can also mean to let go, to abstain from ("I'm on a fast"). We're going to discuss fast in the latter sense.

Fasting usually refers to abstaining from food, but we'd like to expand the definition to also include abstaining from negativity.  For some people, the toughest sacrifice of all is sacrificing suffering.

Most people think anger, depression, fear hurt feelings, guilt and the so-called negative emotions are the "natural" responses to certain situations.

What if they're not? What if we were programmed to respond that way, and, if we worked hard at it, we could program ourselves to respond in another way?

It's ok to feel good when things go bad.

"But," some say, "people who feel good when things go bad aren't normal!"  Perhaps, but as R. D. Laing pointed out, "Normal men have killed perhaps 100,000,000 of their fellow normal men in the last fifty years."

To feel good when things go bad is not just abnormal; it's beyond revolutionary; it's downright radical.

Fortunately, feeling is an inner process.  Most people won't know how abnormal you are. They can all be feeling miserable at the news of fresh disaster in the papers or on television or from gossip, and you can be feeling perfectly wonderful. They probably won't notice. This is good, because martyrdom is so hard on the body.

Yes, it's a risk to enjoy yourself all of the time, but more than risk, it's a lot of work. "Thinking is hard work," observed Thomas Edison.  Fasting from negativity and sacrificing suffering requires not just thinking, but rethinking every negative response you currently hold to be "automatic."

Two days later...I can't lie, I'm still struggling with all of this, grappling and maybe that's just the way it's going to be. My jury is definitely still out in regards to the "happiness experts" protocol.  I'd rather be sitting like Tony Robbins, on the beach in Figi, feeling good about everything. Grateful.

In my opinion, the happiness guy has martyrdom written all over him.  I've seen it all before, up close and personal (think me and my spouse) and I think this is what triggered me throughout these videos.  They stirred up some shit in me, and that's ok.  This post is still cooking here.  I'm like the damned frog.

I can observe it and study it and be very interested in it but I don't have to jump in start living in it again. Even if I'm already in the pot, I have choices, right? I have an internal compass. I can listen to myself and at the same time respect the path of someone else. Does the frog ever get out of the pot in that allegory?

That said, I DO ask Jesus for help at 3 in the morning, and the angels and my higher self, whoever that is. Sometimes I feel like I get help. Sometimes I feel all alone. Is it all just a product of my brain, or that bit of undigested beef? I don't know. 

And I am still asking for more, to see more, to KNOW more.  Truly, I think I will never be satisfied.  I will always be thirsty for something more, but isn't that what keeps the adventure moving?  Isn't that what makes life interesting, the ebbs and the flows? It's all up to me how I interpret it, how I frame it, how I respond to it.  

Ageism, Ego Death, Being Wrong, Running Out Of Time...All The Things.  It's the big paradox. 

It's all up to me (and how I choose, how I surrender). Most people won't notice how abnormal I am.  The pot is getting hot!🔥

Better get going... fast.