Certainty, Control & Unrequited Love

“Treadmill, elliptical, bike. Treadmill, elliptical, bike,”  “Rinse and repeat.” - Jennifer Aniston 

1:57 am.... again. I really don't know what is going on, but I am tired of it. Pardon the pun. I was really hoping to just trash this post, but the dang thing has been hanging on so long and here I am again so, damn. Here it goes...

Wednesday - 
Well, it's 3 am and I'm awake again.  I've been up since 2 am, and 11:30 pm. Went to bed last night around 9:30. What else do I have to do in this moment but come here and write? 

Actually, I think I have a shit ton to do which is why my brain wakes me up in the middle of the night.  It's frustrating.  I've already composed an email and read several more. I don't want to wake up the dogs so I just lay here in bed.

I've done my Duo Lingo for the day. 721 day streak! It's hard for me to speak Spanish at 2:30 am.  My lips and tongue can't move that fast, but somehow the app responds to what I am trying to say.  

Speaking of what I am trying to say, this whole post has nothing to do with what I wanted to write about when I wrote the title... a week ago. Maybe I can get on with it now, what I wanted to talk about. Maybe. If my brain will let me.  It's ridiculous.  You read that right.

Ok. Certainty, Control and Unrequited Love, what people want, and what they don't want. What I think I want and what I don't want.

I want certainty. Another way to say it might be, I want to know what is going to happen. I have WAY too much UNcertainty in my life right now.  This is probably a good part of what is waking me up at night. Dysregulation of my nervous system. Bursts of hormones to my brain in the middle of the night crying, "Danger! Danger Will Robinson!" Well, I wish they'd go wake him up instead.

I want control.  Well, at least a little bit.  Is that REALLY too much to ask? I want to determine how at least some of my shit is going to happen.  I probably have more control over some things than I realize, and grasping at control of EVERYTHING (I am hyperbolizing again here) makes me feel like everything is out of my control.  In fact, the one thing I can control is how I feel. Or can I? Those damned hormones again. 

And I want the people I am interested in loving to be interested in loving me back in a way that feels meaningful and enough for me. Is that too much to ask? And I say this about myself, but I don't think I am alone here. In fact the story that sparked the Unrequited Love of this post, is not even my own. I ask this for them.

And the funny thing, that's not funny, is that there are 2 protagonists in their story, asking the same damn questions, and maybe never even being able to begin to hear the other's painful answers because they are too wrapped up in their own miserable mind. Isn't it ironic?

The more I am around and hang around and get out into the world and meet and mingle with other human beings, the more I believe that nobody feels like they are enough, nobody.  Nobody has enough, nobody.

And that, I suppose, has led me to where I am today, or should I say in the middle of the night (2:32 am). I am at an end, of something, hopefully more than just my rope.  I am at surrender, or at least I was a couple of evenings ago.  And it felt peaceful.  It felt like I would be able to sleep through the night.  But here I am, surrender.

This is NOT quitting.  This is NOT giving up.  This is just radical acceptance of where I am.  I can't get over it. I can't get under it. There's no f..ing way I am getting around it. I just have to go through it, awake and aware, for as long as it takes, wherever it ends up taking me and I'm just not gonna know exactly how I am getting there so I better just damned well be done with it with trying, to know it all... that is my surrender.

Alright. My mind is clearer now. Can I go back to sleep? Probably not, and maybe that's a good thing. Can I get some rest? I sure hope so.  

Hey, at least I'm not crying... that's something.

Good morning!