Emerging

 " Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." - Philo of Alexandria 

I have an app on my phone, it's called Insight Timer.  It helps me meditate, or it's supposed to anyway.  There are lots of videos and sound files of meditations, breathing techniques, sound healing sessions and relaxing music, some with binaural beats.  This is what I use on the app, but it has so much more and so many more features.

Every day, a new quote is offered up for inspiration every time you turn on the app.  Today's quote was from Philo of Alexandria.  It's the quote listed at the beginning of this post.

Today's been a day that feels like everything is coverging, not in a happy way.  Too much stuff to do, all beating at my brain for attention.  Redo's and undo's and soon to do's and later to do's, it has a way of giving me slight anxiety.  Fact is, I've got too much on my plate but I'm in it, for worse or for better.

I mean, I could quit, but that would give me a different kind of bad feeling, mostly about myself.  I'm committed and I don't want to let anyone down.  However, I am perfectly aware, that if anything happened to me, if I ducked out, the show would go on.  Somebody else would do what needs to be done, and I could sit home making art, watching TV and hiding in my own little world.  That's the way I really like it.

But I said to myself sometime last year that I didn't want to be like that anymore.  I felt so less than, in that I wasn't living up to my full potential.  So I got a job and I went back on a nonprofit board, then I said yes to chairing a committee then I said yes to chairing an event on another nonprofit board and then applied for a 4 day local art show and studio open house event and actually got accepted.  

Now everything is coming due. It's all converging just like I knew it would and it feels like a huge blockade of debris and problems and asks and spreadsheets and uploads and I absolutely feel like I could pop another gasket any day.  I could.

But, maybe I won't.  I'm learning some things about myself.  I'm learning to reach out, to say I don't know, to say I haven't done that yet but I have it on my list.  I'm learning to take, not only one day at a time but each moment, even each breath, if it gets down to it.

And, I didn't have time to write this post. I didn't have time not too.  I felt anxiety creeping in as my bedtime neared tonight.  I was already churning and worried about work tomorrow, my silly little flower job that has become much harder for me again for some reason.  

I'm not exactly sure what it is.  Could be getting up at 4 am or 1 am or 2, night after night and the cumulative an continuing lack of sleep.  It's hard.  My job is way less cerebral than I wish it was.  Too much bending and squatting and painstakingly holding my arms in raised flex that gives me pains in my neck and arms and nerves.  It's hard, but I know my mind makes it much harder.

Anyway, I needed to write it out.  I needed that vent.  I needed to make some space in that jumbled up junk. I feel better, and when I feel worse, I'll do some deep breathing, I'll tap or jump or shake, just to get some energy out.  I'll do all the things and when I need to, I'll get back here and write some more. 

Somehow, someway, I'll get it out and move it along, day by day, moment by moment and in the end, I will emerge, better, stronger, more capable and wiser too. Already, I am learning the beauty of a new word...no.

So, I have done a chakra alignment, written my anxiety out and I'm getting ready to put in a sound bowl meditation for deep rest.  Now to sleep, please, in peace. No ants in my room.

... from today's Daily Discovery. I'll have some new poetry to post soon, and maybe more.

My eyes are heavy. That's a good sign. Good night.