Recovering a Sense of Integrity

Well, it's the beginning of week # 4 in the Artist's Way journey that I am taking. The theme of the week is recovering a sense of integrity.  This feels important to me at this time.  Let me tell you why.

Self-discovery is hard.  Self-discovery is messy.  Self-discovery is embarrassing when you are 56 years old and you think that you should have it all figured out by now, but you don't.  When you feel like you are a baby and have so much to learn about who you are and how you fit into this big old world.  Self-discovery is so uncomfortable that some people don't even ask the questions.  They don't do it.  They just maintain the status quo.  Trust me, I have been up against the "clinging to the status quo" on my lifepath before.  I can empathize with it, but I absolutely can't live there.

Who am I?  What do I believe?  Where do I want to go?  What are my goals?  My questions after this whirlwind trip to Dripping Springs leave me asking...What am I chasing?  What am I running from?  Whose goals am I pursuing anyway?  Can I trust what I see?  Can I believe what I hear?  Can I trust that things are always working out for me?  The answer to the last question...yes, I believe I can. 

So, I get up every day and get to it again, trying to sort my feelings and understand my beliefs, and comprehend the reality of the world that I think we live in. Will I ever really know, will I ever really understand, what is really going on?  I don't know, but I am going to keep trying.  I'm going to keep trying to understand what my role is.  I'm going to keep trying to find out how I fit in.

And that is where I am left feeling that this all comes down to integrity.  Creative integrity.  Personal integrity.  Spiritual integrity.  Quantum integrity?  This great awakening, this great adventure, requires a huge level of integrity.  It has from the beginning, but now I feel driven to do more.  How do I know who to trust, what to trust?  How do I know what to believe?  How do I get more involved and still maintain my integrity?  How do I get more involved and stay safe?  Staying safe.  Is this just my version of maintaining the status quo?  Hmm...

My time with the convoy was short, but there was still plenty of time to raise a whole truckload of questions within me and to reveal a few more insights about myself and what makes me hum.

This rally reminded me of what a prejudiced person I have the propensity to be.  I am often tempted to judge a book by its cover and this gathering of cowboys and truckers and patriots quickly reminded me of that.  I don't like the performance of cowboy-hat-wearing, bible-thumping, drawling, flag-worshiping, nationalistic preachers.  I don't like proselytizing, poor grammar and over-emotional worship music.  I guess I just don't like a good old-fashioned Christian revival. Ugh.

But I do like their spirit.  I respect their courage and bravery to speak freely and stand up for what they truly believe in.  I believe they had the courage and bravery to actually speak some very gruesome, very uncomfortable, but very real truths at this rally.  Hard truths that those who just want to keep the status quo, simply refuse to hear.  

I like a little bit of the bad-ass rebel gene, and I admire these people who have devoted their lives to doing something whether I agree with their religious dogma or not.  And I love their message of love over fear, although I think Gerald Jampolsky says it better.  And I love Jesus.  Probably not the same way they love Jesus, I just don't get the emotional romance there.  But I believe I love the same Jesus that these " love-crazy" Christians love so much.  I understand how it is.  I used to be a crazy convert myself, but that is a different story for a different day.  

This rally reminded me that I'm pretty judgmental of the looks of these rednecks and the lifestyles they chose to lead, but I love them.  I was raised in a community of them, and I wouldn't try to make them anyone other than who they are.  

I believe Everyone has free will.  I believe Everyone is truly living out their own spiritual journey back to their higher soul.  But I also believe we are moving into a new earth paradigm that has no room for their kind of proselytizing.  The only thing that will be sure to remain from their religion is love.  Real Love.  

I just don't think there is time or interest to get these revival people on a higher timeline if you will, a non-religious timeline.  But maybe that's not necessary.  Maybe that's not part of the plan.  It is after all, their crazy courage and faith in Jesus Christ that is driving them to confront the evils of the drug cartels and child and human trafficking which I believe is very real. There but for the grace of God go I, you might say.  I have some of my own stories from back in the day and believe I could have easily fallen into a Cartel or Epstein type trap back then, again another story for another day.  But I am grateful for the protection that surrounds and has always surrounded me.

I am grateful for the opportunity to make this grand drive.  It was exciting.  It was cathartic.  It was good.  I am a little bit sorry that I didn't go all the way south with the convoy, but it sounds like I avoided some hail damage to my car by not going.  And I had a birthday party to be back to NC for on Saturday.  And I didn't have to endure hour after hour of that revival music and preaching.  Thank you, God.

I am sorry that I didn't get to spend more time in Dripping Springs and experience more of the community there.  In the short time that I was in town, I didn't get a sense of great energy in that place. It was a little disappointing. Things seemed low and strange.  Maybe due to the convoy chaos and the weirdness of how in only three weeks this convoy just "came together" with Sarah Palin and Ted Nugent and lots of Jan. 6th people being present and being speakers there.  Maybe it was the fog that settled in overnight making the morning after even more hazy and less clear.

However, everyone I met was very kind.  The Moxi Gym that let us park and stay in their parking lot and field overnight was super kind and supportive of all of us traveling there.  Law enforcement was kind and supportive and I was very grateful for that, for sure.

The final thing that must be said, regarding this event is this.  Although protesting vaccine mandates, the reason for the first convoy in DC was important and serious subject matter, the issues and the energy and the reality surrounding child and human sex trafficking, January 6th political imprisonment, and rallying cries for securing the border seems much scarier.   

Mention of hurt core and the dark web, in and of itself set a whole different stage and brought with it a whole different energy than mere calls for freedom from mandates. Not to mention that reminders of censorship and no-fly lists and the consequences of being labeled a crazy conspiracy theorist don't really console me, they just bring up my own stupid fears.  I'm so fucking tired of thinking I am being criticized for thinking for myself, even if I may end up being wrong about some things.  

So, my question now is what do I do about all of this?  I don't believe that as a person of integrity, I can continue to hide in the shadows and worry about this.  I guess that my most logical way to participate in the battle for truth is through my art.  I'm excited, but scared, I can't lie, to bring my art to more of the public eye.  I'm starting a new YouTube channel for called Ronda Makes Art where I'll be sharing more videos about my art and my creative process.  Hopefully you can check that out.

I hate politics and I am so hesitant to get involved politically, like at a rally like this which was clearly Republican, which was another factor of my discomfort during this rally.  I think that both political parties are so corrupt, and I don't really identify with either one of them at this point, yet where do you go to make an impact?  Where do you go to make a change?  How do you make change and maintain your integrity?  I'm really not sure if I will ever vote again...if we ever have another election, but that too is another topic for another day.

So, I have asked all of these questions and of course, I have not provided answers to all of the questions that I ask.  Maybe you have answers.  Please share them in the comment section if you do.  

Please make sure to consider your own heart and your own integrity and make your own choices that can help heal this world and bring in the higher vibrations of love and light and truth.  I know there is a beautiful soul inside of you if you are reading this, and you probably want to see things change too.

Be the change you want to see.  Be the being of integrity that you are.  And remember, we are not alone.  We have each other.  We can do this together.