No More Hiding

Staying in the shadow is for kitty cats.  Standing in the fullness of your power in the radiance of the sun is for Lions, baby.  I'm coming out.  It’s represented as the Strength card in the tarot, a card I have mentioned a few times in my last couple of posts.  A card that represented me in my readings.  A card that represents me, not only as the Leo that I am, but as someone who is facing my inner fears and mastering my emotions to bring calm and courage to myself and move forward, overcoming challenges as I go.

I have been working almost non-stop, late nights on the mini-documentary that will be posting on my YouTube channel the first part of March. I knew it would be a challenge to pull so many videoclips together to make a cohesive video.  I knew the rough draft of my script would need some tweaking.  But what I didn’t plan on was the depth of emotions I would face as I was challenged to look at myself, my motives and my life as I have lived them for the past thirty-odd years.

It was poignant and painful at times.  Inspiring and inventive at others.  This project has stretched me and forced me to ask some hard questions about the person that I was and why I was and it is begging me to remember who I am and what I am really seeking and why I feel so strongly about this dream that I have held in my heart for so many years.

I have one section left to go and then just putting it all together and voila!  I will have a mini-documentary, which I think could actually be considered a full-length thing if by chance Netflix or one of those channels wants to pick it up or anything.  I don’t care.  I will share.  I am done hiding in the shadows.  I am done playing small.  I am done being afraid to say what I need to say.  It is a process, but I am progressing nicely.  I think Nietzsche would be proud. 

This week’s theme for the Artist’s Way book that I am still working through (I am committed you know), is Recovering a Sense of Connection.  Julia describes this as “the practice of right attitudes for creativity.”  The main topics are Listening, Perfectionism, Risk and Jealousy.  I really feel that my committed participation in this workshop (even though I am just doing it at home) has helped me have some major creative breakthroughs in ALL areas of my life.  It’s like a perfect storm of synchronicities and small success.  Little wins…adding up.

And I’ve been doing it all, writing, art, videos and making plans for some major life adjustments.  I have so much excitement inside me.  All I’ve had to do is show up and life is helping me with everything else.

The only drawback for me is the mundane.  The stuff that you have to do that you really don’t want to but you better or bad stuff will happen.  Things like pay your bills, take a shower, eat and oh yeah, check your email.

I hadn’t checked my email for a few days because all I usually have in there is junk, crap, and more junk crap.  But I took a chance and checked today and I saw an email from someone from our local downtown arts council.  Seems I have been selected to have my art featured on our city’s downtown kiosks sometime this year!

I was SO excited to find this email.  I had applied for the program sometime before the end of last year.  I actually walked by one of the kiosks a couple of weeks ago and commented that I applied but I guess I didn’t get accepted this year because I hadn’t heard anything.  Well, I did hear something two days ago in my mailbox and now I need to do some of that mundane boring stuff tomorrow so I can get paid for my participation.  I’m manifesting money already.  Things are looking good.

And my video documentary will come out next week.  I really hope that people will take the time to watch it.  I really hope it interests someone, not just to entertain, but to inspire and move them.  Funny thing is…I still don’t know how the story ends.

I know that I need to keep some GSO roots in order to participate in this downtown arts program, and I will.  That won’t be a problem.  But I do plan on taking my adventure and finding out more about myself and where I am going.  I want to take my life and my art on the road for a time.  Hopefully a year, but we’ll see.  I will take it a month at a time, a moment at a time.  One of the main parts of the journey is the journey and enjoying it once and for all.

One of the main things I realized while working on my documentary was that I had so many things that I was grateful for and I had accomplished so many beautiful things on my “farm”, yet I was still so unsatisfied.  I feel like I missed the best part of creating all of that beauty, the sitting back and savoring it.  Embracing and enjoying and being present in every moment.

But my life is changing and I am learning how to do better at that now.  I am also learning that the only way I will benefit others with my art or my goats or my life is to put myself out there and be seen.  For others to enjoy my gifts and talents and what I have to offer, I have to come out of the shadows.

As much as I might have told myself that I was “really trying” to make my little homestead work, in reality, I was still playing small.  I was cowering in the corner just a little bit.  But it’s safe for me to come out now.  It’s safe for me to be who I am and who I am becoming.  Making this documentary has helped me realize I’m not who I always used to be, and that’s ok.  That’s a good thing.  I am evolving.  I am changing.  I am growing.  I am becoming really brave.  Perhaps I am on my way to becoming unbreakable.

And with all the love I have, I encourage you to do the same.  Listen to your heart.  Overcome your perfectionism.  Set aside jealousy and take the risk.  Know that within you lies the strength to overcome any obstacle, fear, doubt or challenge.  Know the journey that lies ahead is filled with beauty and warmth, and in the distance sits a mountain, full of potential and presence.  It is just waiting to be climbed.