Ordinary Angels

 "You can't write a story that's got any life in it by sitting at a writing table and thinking. You've got to get out on the streets, into the crowds, talk with people, and feel the rush and throb of real life - that's the stimulant for a story writer."  - O. Henry

This summer I've been out on the metaphorical streets, in classrooms, some empty, some full, teaching my neuro artmaking method and leading relaxation and meditation workshops. I showed up for my community, but more importantly, I realized as I sat alone this afternoon, rewiring my own neural connections, I showed up for myself and I'm so freaking proud.  

I've been showing up again and again and again this summer, even when its really hard, in board meetings, at work, at 3 in the morning worrying about board meetings and work; and after finishing up another workshop in an empty classroom this afternoon, I was inspired to get on this here platform and write all about it.

The opening quote of today's blog post came from the intro to a book of short stories by O.Henry.  I stumbled across the 212 story anthology while cleaning my bookshelves one day.  I forgot I even owned that book.  Working at the namesake O.Henry hotel in Greensboro fueled my decision to take up the folly of reading his short stories for my entertainment at 5:30 in the morning before going to work.  I stopped three days later.

All I got was weird.  Started off in Austin, went to Paris, then DC, and at the end of each story I was left saying, "Huh?".  I guess I have a lot to learn.  I'm just not that bright about late 19th century politics and their implications.  And the energy was weird.  Witty, but dull.  I learned that he was an alcoholic and died young.  Younger than me. It's an ugly reminder of the midlife crisis I'm going through.  I'll probably slog through it at some time, the book, that is. I guess I will learn...to get through this crisis.

I love learning though. Always have.  Love to have my mental faculties stimulated on a regular basis. It's probably what got me so interested in Q and Ascension and Quantum Reality.  I just forget.  Easily.  What is true and what isn't true in this story?  I'm remembering, hoping anyway, that I can truly write my own.  Opportunities don't come around as easily for girls my age, but I am giving it one last hurrah.

I'm kind of tired of reposting alien and ascension videos, a phrase I never would have uttered 20 years ago.  It just wasn't a thing to me then.  Today, I'm getting bored with it, losing interest, even though it's still a thing around here.  I'm tired of waiting for something.  I'm tired of feeling like I am putting my life on hold, and somehow it always ends up feeling that way.  

And it's sort of the same thing over and over. It feels like a weird religion all over again.  I feel about as connected to my star family as this blog post might appear to be connected to anything your naked eye can perceive.  But trust me, it will all weave together in the end, like the neuro networks in my drawings.  All of it. 

So, I have decided that I want to go to graduate school, for real.  I want to do what I should have done 30 years ago.  I want to live out my dream of getting my Phd.  But, I truly don't know if it is possible. When I want to do something, I usually just go do it.  It never occurred to me that I would never be accepted into a program. (Just like it never occurred to me that I wouldn't be able to get hired at my age into a position that pays a living wage.) 

I haven't applied yet (to a Phd. program), but I am doing my due diligence and approaching this wisely.  As wisely as I am capable of anyway.  I have been accepted into a graduate program for a well-being certificate at UNCG, scheduled to start in January.  This doesn't really count, in my mind.  And I feel like a Masters in Art Therapy Counseling at SIUE is a real possibility, but I don't know if that is what really excites me.

I'm meeting with a professor Monday afternoon, at Wake Forest University, my current university of choice, to talk about the MA in Psychology program there.  I hope he can give me a realistic view of the rigors of pursuing this course of study.  I hope he will be honest as to my chance of being accepted into the program.  I would love to work in his lab, doing research on well-being and positive emotions, resiliency.  I think I have a slew of life experience to contribute to the field.  My hope is to become part of the NeuroArts Lab there at Wake Forest and go for my Phd. in Neuroscience, in order to further my neuro arts research.  I want to really test and map out the reality of the science behind what it is I say that I am doing and facilitating at all of these neuro arts workshops that I have been teaching and offering this year. 

People are responding very positively to my workshops, I think there is a real road forward with this modality and I don't want to abandon ship.  But I still feel like a fake and a fraud...This is a vulnerable position to be in.  If you are one of my workshop students here, just know that I won't let you down.  I am searching for legitimacy.  I'm searching for first hand knowledge and real truth.  I am studying all the time.  I would just really love the paper that says I am the real deal...will that help?

How does legitimacy transpire?  $20,000 of "coaching" couldn't do it.  Meditating hasn't made it happen.  But it doesn't mean I can't keep showing up as I work my way to feeling more of who I am meant to be.  Truly, the bulk of authenticity is an inside job, but fulfilling a lifelong dream can go a long way to letting go of regrets and embracing a new hope for the rest of a future, as fleeting as it may seem to be.

So, why ordinary angels for the title of this post, you wonder?  Well, because you, dear reader, the professor, my students, my subscribers, my family...anyone who has shown up for me, for ME, for showing up for myself, you...WE, are ordinary angels who touch the lives of others when they need it most, even if we don't realize it.  I am grateful to all of you.  I am grateful to myself for slogging through, for never giving up.  

And, here I go giving it one last try, to make something more of this limited hang out, not because solely being a wife and mom for 20 years didn't have value, but because you all are good on your own now and it's finally my time to do all that I can with what I have left.  

Ok...so maybe it didn't all tie together seamlessly.  Maybe my writing sucks and is rusty as hell.  Maybe I never even was a good writer to begin with.  I don't care.  I'm here.  I'm alive and life is too damn short to be any other way.  Huh?  Maybe I write more like O.Henry than I realize.  Maybe they will publish my anthology one day.

Here's to whatever this future brings. I'm getting out there. I'm getting knee deep in real life. I'm learning to fly. Here's to the rush and the throb.  Here's an angel song for the road.  Ascension videos will return shortly, I presume.  What else is there to do as the world goes up in flames?  Oh yeah, get a Phd.  I forgot.

P.S...Bonus points if you actually watched the video. ;)