Moving Through Messy

Nice.  Nice to meet you.  Never say never.  These are just some words and phrases that I am hearing as I listen to some music and try to do some painting.  I'm trying to make this damned thing look like something, but my skills are really rusty, and I feel totally terrible at what I am trying to do.  (Get out of your head)

I am in week 4 now of my Unleashed Art Course.  I really am loving it and growing from it on so many levels.  I fancy myself to be an artist, at least I play one on the internet, but when it gets down to doing the thing, Art, it gets so messy.  I feel untalented, and my work just sucks (why do I beat myself up so much?) ...and that's exactly where I need to be.  Self-discovery. Shadow work. Going through it. Ugh! 

In our weekly online sessions, we practice art-making together as a group.  We have been working in a different medium each week.  Week 4 has offered us the medium of paint.  As I said before, it's been a long time since I have painted and well, it makes me wonder if I ever really had any talent at all.  I did, I do, but am I master level, well probably not, and regardless I am a beginner now.

And intentionally or unintentionally, this class has us looking at some uncomfortable truths of what we call art and creating and how it feels or doesn't feel when we do it and how it brings up stuff in us and how it offers us the opportunity to be beginners and to be gentle with ourselves and so much stuff that I didn't ever realize or remember that art does and is supposed to do.  It's BEAUTIFUL!

infinity.  its just a number that never ends.  Feilds of green, red roses too, and I think to myself, what a wonderful world.  It's the fear of the unknown that cripples every step we take.  Twin where have you been?  You were made for me.  Where have you been?  You were made for me.  Just for me. Mhmm.mm.

Well, I've got to admit, the older I get, I don't know shit about things anymore.  And I left this place better than I found it.  Used to be a know it all.  Everything's turning red.  Life's like a canvas, paint the wall.  Leave this place better than I found it.  Keep an open mind.  Never regret what our grandma said.  I hope we leave this place better than we found it.

While we paint and create in this online group, we listen to music.  We also get a "prompt" at the beginning of the session to help create a spark of inspiration.  Yesterday's prompt was "I am allowed to..."  It seems I often have some "thing" just jump in almost immediately.  I'm not sure if this is my intuition, or just my brain picking out something for me to run with.  What came out yesterday is a common theme of what seems to come out of my mouth and my being in multiple ways over multiple mediums.  My quick answer to yesterday's prompt was, "I am allowed to BE ME."  Ok, whatever that means again.  

The prompt seemed quickly lost, however, as I sat down to paint.  I fell immediately into what should I paint?  And I was staring at a blank canvas, much like the blank page, and NOTHING was coming to me.  Rainbows.  Oh my god.  Trees and flowers.  Are you freaking kidding me.  How pedestrian.  How boring.  Well, maybe that's just me and I have to face it.  Ugh!  Again.

I did manage to paint a purple tree, a HUGE step to my tight assed clinging to some type of realism in my artwork.  I did manage to try to use some brushstrokes in a VanGoghesque way.  But I am NOT Van Gogh.  I pushed on and allowed myself to begin again.  I allowed myself to be bad at it.  But I allowed myself to try.  And I didn't beat myself up over the results and I picked up a paintbrush again today because I felt like it could help me center.  I picked up the brush, some old paints and a pallet knife and I began to paint again.

I dug out my old paints.  Any colors, well, rainbow colors again, because for some crazy reason I just want to paint rainbows all of the time.  I used cheap watercolor paper, because I am afraid to mess up a real canvas that I could use for other "real" art that I do.  And my music playlist has now evolved into a classical harpsicord piece. If I had paid more attention in music appreciation class, I might be able to tell you who the composer is, but does it really matter if I don't know the name of the person whose music makes me happy?  (Just a thought)

And I am coming upon my self-imposed deadline to get this post and my art piece for today finished up.  I will share with you what I have.  I am trying something new here, a little bit more abstract, but I am still trying to make a flower or a tree or something meaningful.  And of course, there are a few rainbows in it.

I hope you enjoy this little journey off the beaten path.  I hope it might inspire you to pick up a brush and paint something for yourself.  And as a parting word, I will leave you with a few other "words" that came up from my soul as I was painting during my class yesterday..."I am allowed to PLAY."  "I am allowed to BE HAPPY WHERE I AM."  "I am allowed to TAKE IT SLOW."    And I am allowed to be messy.  YES!

Paint is colorful.  Paint is bold.  Paint is messy.  Nice.