Making Lemons Out of Lemonade

Yes, you read that right.  It's a little bit like putting the genie back in the bottle, some parts of it anyway.  Or maybe you can think of it as going about everything backasswards. The real story of my life? It's possible.

But no, really what I think it feels like is trying to put the pieces back together again, trying to make the lemon whole again, full, of juice, of life, without getting bitter about letting that goodness get squeezed out in the first place.  It's wanting to feel full and complete and if I could have all of the wishes in the world, luscious.  I would feel luscious.  

But I feel empty.  I feel let down, by myself, by others, by the world.  I KNOW the truth that everything is going to be ok, however it is, whatever it is.  "All is well."  "All is well."  I know.  I know.  But today I FEEL otherwise.  

What this feels like for me today is trying to reconstitute the whole of me from the wrung out, empty version of me that I am trying really hard not to give into.  It's like Tubthumping... it's trying to come up with a Plan B.  Why won't I just give up?  Why won't I just let it go?  Because it's my life and I really do want to do something with it.

There is an emotional rollercoaster in the shadows, just waiting to take me on a crazy, depressing ride, but I am refusing to get on.  There's no need to.  There's a devil on my shoulder, tempting me to hop on that bus at the corner and run, run away.  But I'm still here.

When we got back late last night, the darkness and the silence was HEAVY.  Feelings of nausea were suffusive, and they still come and go.  I have only been back a day.  I still haven't gone out to the goat yard.  I'm not ready yet.  

I want to Hermit.  I want to stay still.  I want to crawl deep inside myself and find my quiet, find my peace and then, when I get it all figured out...I want to run away.   Maybe.  That's the only answer I have now anyway.  But that is exactly the cycle I have to break.

And I am throwing up all of these disjointed metaphors, trying to say something, trying to make a monumental revelation, trying to create some meaning in this void.  But all I really need to say is that I am back in North Carolina and it's uncomfortable, because I can't tell if it feels like home or not.  I can't tell if I WANT it to feel like home or not, and I am really sad about all of my goats being gone.  

It is hauntingly quiet at this place.  This place that I used to call home.  Now I'm just not sure. What is home? Where is home?  Where the heck do I want to be? 

And even a hefty check from the stockyards which itemized every goat made my stomach turn and brought a few tears to my eyes, but I didn't lose it...all of my juice, I didn't breakdown.   Although that could be because that part of me is already so empty.  I don't know.

But here is what I do know... I know that a little bit of writing makes me feel better.  I know that a mind and heart focused on all that I have to be grateful for (which is MUCH) transmutes my sadness.  I know that getting outside, skin in the sun, bare feet on the earth, calms me.  I know getting connected makes me feel alive.  And I know making a piece of art feeds my soul.

And right now, I have SO MUCH going for me.  I have a lot of art going for me.  I have a lot of exciting ventures that I am in the middle of going for me.  I have a new website that I created last month while I was in Illinois going for me and after a few more days work, I will be launching it.  (Absolutely I will be posting about it here!)  I have courses and classes and coaching that I will be offering in a very short while.  And I am EXCITED about it.  And I am hopeful and grateful and I believe that all is well.

So, in an effort to transmute the pain of selling my goats into something very beautiful and beneficial for myself and others, I have an idea.  If I decide that this is to be my home, I'll share my idea with you here.  Until that decision is made, I will keep making art, keep writing my courses.  I may make a few videos to try and visually document this whole decision-making process and I will keep working to restore my wholeness through multiple healing modalities.

I'll do whatever it takes to help me find my joy.  I will.  And hopefully someday soon, I will feel whole again, I will feel juicy, I will feel luscious.