I Died Three Times That Day

I went in seeking enlightenment.  I went in seeking truth.  What I got is what I believe to be a near-death experience three times that day.  For some reason, I decided to come back.  For some reason, I decided to stay.  I guess I really do have a purpose here, on this planet, on this earth.

I wasn't seeking death.  Far from it.  I was seeking life, and light.  But I guess the "medicine", and the Universe knew it was more valuable for me to go down the rabbit hole instead.  Into the darkness and sadness.  Into the depths of the abyss.  I'm still a little dizzy today.

The intention for all three of us was to have a spiritual and sacred journey.  We had selected a beautiful spot in nature, done a pre-journey meditation and saged ourselves and the area to create a sacred environment.  We prepared a "tea" and drank it.  

It started off all beautiful and crystalline, as it had the first time, over twenty years ago. It started off becoming one with everything and seeing, feeling, knowing and experiencing the interconnectedness of it all.  The trees, the loving trees, and the absolute collapse of time and space as we think we know it, as we seem to experience it on every other day.  And joy.  It began with warmth and smiling and beauty, absolute beauty, and joy.

It then became psychedelic.  I then became tired.  Like Alice.  I remember feeling like I was Alice and my watch, my clock was all funny, hilarious.  And everything was absolutely absurd as one of my partners in crime kept saying.  He was right.  And it was timeless, or we had been in that same place a thousand times before and we were all in it.  And we were all supposed to be there, and it was all happening for a very important reason, I'm still not sure if I understand exactly what that reason is.

The psychedelic was beautiful, like a sunset, and I was enjoying the beauty of it, but I was a little disappointed that it was just going to be one of "those" types of journeys, just a "rainbows and unicorns" kind of adventure that would be pretty but might not really mean anything.  So, I guess I kind of sent out an intention, or permission, to the Universe to open up and take me in...it took me down.

One of my clearest intentions for this journey was to overcome my irrational fears.  Love is letting go of fear, you know.  I don't want anything left holding me back.  I want to be free, absolutely free.  I want to be able to go anywhere, do anything and everything that I desire, everything I need to do to be exactly who I came here to be.  I want nothing holding me back, especially false ideas, false desires, attachments and fears.

I see now, one of the fears I needed to overcome that day was the fear of death.  So, the Universe allowed me to die three times that day.  To my dismay, I didn't see the light.  I didn't see Jesus.  I didn't see a beautiful blissful heavenly home waiting for me to just cross over.  I only felt myself slipping away, falling into the depths, the darkness.  

For a moment I floated in the stars and felt perfectly free.  No more debt.  No more goats.  No worry.  No pain.  No more videos.  No more blog.  No more struggle.  There was nothing I had to figure out.  It was dark, but it was peace.  Until I knew I couldn't go.  I needed to come back.  I needed to be here, but it was pulling so hard to take me.   I didn't know where I would be going to.  I didn't want to mess things up for anyone. 

Then came the pain.  Was it just my fear of letting go?  I knew it hurt like hell.  I fought to stay.  I fought to go.  I clung.  I broke free.  I searched for a hand so I wouldn't slip away.  I let it go.  I cried.  For hours I cried.  

It felt like all of my cellular memories and traumas and despairs were being purged and released through hours of tears and wailing.  Heart and breath stopping...wanting to just leave again.  Too much?  It was so much, but I knew I could endure, I had to.  Sam.  I couldn't leave Sam, who was calling and moving soon.  I love him.  It would be selfish to just check out.  It wouldn't be fair to leave him without saying goodbye.  I would stay.

But I had so many more tears.  So much pain I didn't even know if it was mine anymore, or the world's, or the world's for a thousand lifetimes.  I just knew it had to go.  It had to be released through me.  So, I cried.  I cried.  I writhed.  I screamed.  I hoped that my brain would not remain in a fractured state as this when I returned, or I would end up in an asylum I am sure, I knew.  But it wouldn't.  I trusted.  I trusted the Universe.  I trusted my guides, who I also felt were working on me, healing me as I lay there looking at the sky twitching and jerking and perhaps were speaking through me in the moments when I was making undecipherable, comical, bleeping, clicking noises from my mouth.  I laugh.  I laughed.

And I kept slipping between realities.  What was real?  What is real?  Where was I?  Where did I want to be?  I was dying again.  But I felt perfectly safe. One last chance to decide.  It was entirely my decision. I was sobbing and slobbering and lying face down in it.  

My reality.  My absurdity.  It was not pretty, but it instilled in me a compassion for everyone who has ever been here.  I did not want to die like this.  I wanted it to be beautiful.  I wanted to be beautiful.  I wanted to see the sun.  

I don't know how many hours this lasted, two or three I presume.  I don't know if anyone heard me.  I don't know if anyone saw me.  I couldn't afford to care.  I don't care.  I had to go through this for some reason.  For myself?  For the world?  For you?

And I'm almost back, today.  But I am not the same.  I'm not yet sure who I am or where I am going, but I am still trusting, supremely.  Always.  And grateful.  I'm grateful for this opportunity.  I'm grateful for the companions on my journey that stayed by my side and helped me through.  I'm grateful for this life and all those in it who keep me here.  I am grateful for it all.