What Brings You Joy?

Stand at the crossroads and look; ask for the ancient paths, ask where the good way is, and walk in it, and you will find rest for your souls. - Jeremiah 6:16

The time has arrived.  It's been a long time coming, feels like it anyway, but it is here.  Endings may be inevitable, but a new beginning is just around the corner.  Doesn't mean that it's not scary though.  I've done the best I can to prepare.  Here we go.

The synchronicities are lining up.  I'm grateful and encouraged by that. But the irritabilities and challenges seem to be stacking up as well, especially today as I try to make some small steps of moving forward. Technological learning curves, information overload and needy dogs are a recipe for agitation.  I don't want to eat that shit.  And rain and mud...that tops it all off, along with red clay and white dogs. Ugh!  Now I'm just making myself laugh.  Might as well.

Why am I doing this again?  What am I trying to gain or prove or accomplish?  What am I trying to build?  Is this really the thing that is going to set me free?  Is this really what's going to bring me joy?  I sure as shit hope so.  I am recognizing the resistance in myself, I think.  I'm having some second thoughts, but I'm in it, so I am going to do it.  I'm just getting through the discomfort of the metaphorical birth canal, I guess.  In some ways, the dying seemed easier.  Hmm.

Everything seems very disjointed at this moment, right now.  This post, the dogs, my plans for moving forward.  Just a note, a side note, I will pull it together in the end.  I hope.  This is my brain on integration and apparently the solar activities have been very disruptive as well.  Double whammy.  I AM back to completing my crossword puzzles in a decent amount of time, however.  That's good.

Yesterday was the end of an art show that I had a couple of pieces showing in.  It was my day to go pick up the pieces...of art.  It was a short 30-minute drive and I wanted to listen to a podcast by Emily Aarons, the coach that I signed up with for the new program I start on Friday.  The title of her podcast was Generational Healing: Overcoming Trauma with Plant Medicine.  I thought this was another incredible synchronicity and I really wanted to listen to the program, but I kept getting interrupted by phone calls and people in traffic were CRAZY.  I am glad I didn't die again.  It's just not my time yet.

And I got to downtown Winston Salem, and I couldn't find the art gallery via my GPS, I had to drive around and figure it out for myself, which I did, no problem, but it was just one more of those things.  It's good to have my art back.  I'm not sure I am going to enter anymore shows soon, since I do still plan on doing some traveling across the country, unless I incorporate some travel to these shows into my plans.  You see what I mean...too much information, too many ideas.  I'm all over the place today.  Shit.

That's not from the Plant Medicine though, that's just me.  The medicine is actually helping to ground me, I think.  I feel flatter, less high than I normally do on a day when it's just me and my meditation.  I don't really like it to be honest.  But it is what I've got to work with now so I will.  And I am fascinated that the woman that I am going to have as my mentor for the next 6 months has just returned from her own spiritual journey with the sacred plant medicine as well.  Like I said, synchronicity.  

And that is where I got the idea for my title today, "What Brings You Joy?"  As Emily was lying in a field behind her house after her experience, it was the question she asked.  And I have to ask myself the same as I am forging into unknown territories of learning and growth and business building.  And I want to ask you the same thing too.  What brings you joy?

I am not sure if I have an answer today.  Like I said earlier, today I feel flat.  I don't feel joy.  I almost forget what it feels like.  I remember saying the same thing on Christmas day though.  I don't feel any joy.  I said that then.  So again, this is just me, grappling with this question, it is not a consequence of my sacred journey this weekend.  The frightening truth is that my journey might have shown me some things that I really don't want to admit.  They are things that I don't really know how to bring up.  Things I don't feel particularly safe to talk about right now.  So, I won't.

Instead, I will dive into a new program.  I will focus all of my energy making art, building my business and reconstructing my inner temple.  I don't know how far off the map this course will take me, like how much time I will have to contribute to this blog and things like that.  It may be very limited.  I have committed and invested and well, time to buckle up and do what I need to do.

And as far as I know, I am still moving forward with my plans for my cross-country journeys, especially if I establish that I can learn this new stuff anywhere, even from my car.  As long as I have some internet access once a week I will do what I need to do. And I will, even if I do it kicking and screaming and cursing and spitting nails.

I just really don't know when to quit.  I definitely don't know when to give up. Just keep moving forward while the dogs are sleeping.  And maybe, if I am fortunate and bold, I will find my joy somewhere along the way.