Just Bee

"Sometimes the best way to engage, is to disengage." - Rick Ruben

Sometimes we just need to do nothing.  We need to stop.  We need to slow down.  We need to just be.  I believe this, but my gosh, is it difficult to do sometimes.  

I don't know about you, but when I take time out of my day to just do the puzzles or read the books or sit beneath the trees, there is this uncomfortable niggling at the core of my being, making me feel like I'm wasting my time.  I'm being lazy.  I need to get off my ass.  I need to get something done.  

My dog tried to teach me differently a couple of weeks ago, and it was a wonderful experience, but I'm having trouble letting myself do it more often.  I'm having trouble feeling free to just be.  

I used to be really good at this, back in the day.  I could lie on the beach listening to the waves, writing in my journal, watching the birds, reflecting on life and all its beauty.  I could lay in the grass at a park, relaxed, inspired, sprawled out on a blanket watching the clouds float by, in bliss at the amazing nature of existence and all that I was experiencing as I was living my way through it.  This felt like the real me.  I felt so alive.  

I have a confession to make.  I want to do a better job of letting her come out to play again, the real me.  She comes and goes, but with all the busyness of life, with all that needs to be done right now, she does much, much more going than coming these days.  It's just not that much fun.  But that has to turn around, and it will.  After all, I'm here to help people learn how to unleash their inner joy and learn how to play again.  I'll just start by helping myself. 

 "Your practice is the prescription. Take your own medicine." 

- my higher self, upon waking, one morning 

I mean, heck, with my business model, even meditation feels like a moneymaking activity, a gainful end goal, not just for spiritual ascension.  I know I'm here to teach the journey, the journey I do believe in.  But while I easily embrace the idea of doing it regularly, I honestly have a difficult time keeping a "regular" practice.   

I did decide to take a self-care day this week.  It was a beautiful sunshiny day.  Warm, perfect for laying out, soaking in the light and the love.  And I was fortunate enough to be able to take some time to look.  And watch...the bees.  

Fortunately, or unfortunately, my backyard is mostly clover.  The bees love clover, and that day they were out feasting as I laid on my tummy like a happy little girl and watched them eye to eye.  I felt blessed, for a moment.  But then I felt the niggling.

Yes, I do believe sitting in the sun has purpose, like absorbing vitamin D and getting a little tan for the summer.  And laying in the sun, for me, is a means of "recharging my spiritual batteries, but just lying there, looking at the bees, not looking at my phone or reading a book or anything, well it was difficult.  I made an attempt to make it, if not more productive, at least more meditative, more meaningful.

And I am realizing, that just as my life is my art so too, my life is my meditation.  I simply live it, with all that happens or doesn't happen.  I exist with the knowing that it is what it is. No more judging.  I trust.  It's ok to just be.  It will all just happen as it happens.  Trust is my discipline.  Living is my practice.

But you know, I keep trying.  I just feel so pressed for time.  Like I'm up against some imaginary clock. Like time is running out.  So obviously I've got some more practicing to do.  I do.

Today I walked with the dogs through the forest by the cascades.  I sat in the moment on the rocks with water trickling downstream, my puppy playing like a free spirit.  I looked up at the trees and saw their invitation to enter heaven.  I love that call.  I saw the clouds, like an angelic blanket, quilted.  I swear it was embracing me.  Made me cry.  And I was able to be there without the niggling.  Today, I was able to just be.             (Yes! She's still here!)