Closer to Free

Let the adventure begin! I have so many things on my mind right now.  What do I want to share today?

There's a song by the Bodeans, you might remember it, from the early 90's, called Closer to Free.  Because of that song, this blog post has been sitting in my drafts since June 19th.  I started writing it, meaning I knew what I wanted the title to be, after I heard that Bodeans' song, somewhere, sometime, around that date, and it got me thinking; the more things change, the more they stay the same...or something to that effect.

I have wanted a kayak for probably 10 years now.  I've always felt a little guilty considering buying one for myself.  I would need to find something less expensive, and I would need to get one for everyone else around me who might want to go kayaking.  I couldn't just go out and buy one for myself.  I couldn't just go out and have a kayaking adventure by myself.  That would be rude. 

So, I asked for a kayak for my birthday because I wouldn't feel so guilty if I got one for a gift.  But I didn't get one for a gift.  So, I asked for one again the next year.  Then the next year.  I kept hinting and kept being met with stares of blank micro-scoffing, like I was crazy for wanting a kayak, probably because I wanted to use it on our pond, which is not that big, but it's big enough to float in, and besides, we have lakes not far from us, I could take the kayak there.  And there is the issue of transporting it and, blah blah, blah.  Always oh so many reasons to say no.  I've probably been asking for about 5 years now, maybe 6.  Who's measuring out their lives in coffee spoons here, J Prufrock?  I ask you.

When Covid hit, back in summer of 2020, you couldn't find an affordable kayak to save your life.  SOLD OUT.  All of them were sold out.  I was a bit panicky then myself, because what if the world was ending and all?  Surely a kayak could help with that.  That is why I wanted one for my pond (we were on lockdown after all), so I could find peace and meaning in the middle of a pandemic in the middle of the southeastern United States in the middle of a pond, my pond.  Sounded BEAUTIFUL to me.

The pandemic has been over for a while now.  Something happened in the middle of it though.  It was several somethings.  Things that made me stronger.  Things that opened my eyes to truths.  Things revealed about myself, who I am, what I am capable of.  Something happened that I can't explain, and I can't prove but I somehow know is real.  And it has inspired me and encouraged me to explore my inner realms and discover my authenticity.  It has given me the courage to say "fuckiti'mgettinmyselfakayak!"

And I did.  It arrived today!  I also went out and looked at Class B vans at Camping World yesterday.  I even met with a sales guy named Ron, who took me around on a golf cart that he finally found after trying three that were parked behind the store that wouldn't work...battery issues, I guess.  Didn't give me a warm fuzzy feeling about a camper van I might buy from them.  But I got to look at a few anyway.  And we talked pricing and such, and I have been looking around on the internet too, at a couple of different Campervan sites.  I contacted a few people about their vans for sale.  

I'm coming to a better understanding of what I need to do to make this happen, my cross-country yearlong National Park hopping van trip.  It's a lot, but things are falling into place.  I am gaining more courage in so many different ways.  I really should say regaining.  I am one courageous woman.  I can say that now.  I don't know where she's been for the past several years, but she is reemerging, stronger and wiser and more compassionate and braver and more ready for life than ever before.  I'm so glad she is here.  I can appreciate her now.  I can love her now.  I can take care of her now.

And I'm SO GLAD I got my kayak!!  The portable camping shower and camping toilet are on the way!  I'll go out of the back of my car if I have too, camping that is.  My goal is August.  I have jury duty August 1, but after that I'm going to begin my trips.  And of course, ECETI in late August.  They have spots for campers there.  That could be an awesome way to experience the ranch this year.  I'm really excited about that and going out there again and getting some insight on my past lives, hopefully.  Regardless, the energy there is amazing.  Mt. Adams is sacred.  Walking within its presence last year, I felt an overwhelming, heart stirring sense of home.  Amazing.

I'm so optimistic about what the future has in store for me, although I don't pretend to know all of what that is, but I know it is good.  Another birthday is coming, soon.  I feel another year passing, but I feel younger.  And I feel happy.  And grateful.  And I won't be celebrating at the beach this year...well let me rethink that.  Camping at the beach sounds fun!  I've been wanting to do that for about 6 years now too.  More coffee spoons.

And this year, now that I gave myself a kayak, I am going to ask for something else for my birthday.  I want to DO another something that has been on my to-do list for going on 3 years now.  Half as many coffee spoons but ticking closer to 6 every year.  I want to go skydiving.  I had a most breathtaking, life altering, consciousness expanding experience at Six Flags over Mid America about 27 years ago.  My ex and I did a freefall/flying experience on their Dragons Wing.  I was scared of the small free fall but LOVED the flying.  Although I can't say I'm not nervous, I want to experience the thrill of skydiving.  I want to face my fears.  I want to feel that freedom.

Turns out there is a world class skydiving facility at the airport in my little hometown of Greenville, IL.  Doesn't matter to me if I go skydiving ON my birthday or not, but I am going FOR my birthday for sure, this year, and if it causes too much confusion or delay or if I get any freaking blank micro-scoffing stares...I'm going by myself.  It's just my new motto.  "That's fine.  No problem.  I'm going by myself."  And I AM fine with that. I'm excited.  I'm that much closer to FREE.

"All that you have held onto tightly separates from you, and you allow the self to plummet into the depth of who you are.  And from that space of allowing, all that is transforming moves through you."    

 -The Angels

Bonus Song...for Sunshine lovers.