Back to Life - Back to Reality

I'm back to my home base away from my home base.  I'm here for another week, for another funeral, before returning to North Carolina.  I hear the hummingbirds.  They ground me, bring me into the here and now.  I feel myself just wanting to cry.  Not because of the funeral, per se, but because of some sort of dying that is taking place within my soul.  Is that it?  I don't know.

This was supposed to be an awesome recap post of my great August Adventure.  I have so much beauty and excitement, little and large moments of happiness on the trail that I want to share, but I just can't seem to access those feelings right now.  All I can do is realize that it is over.  August has ended and I am done with my travels, safely and soundly, I might add gratefully.  Aside from the big trip back east, I have explored all that I will for the great month of August 2024, but even then, it's September now.

I'm winding down or wearing down, I'm not sure which.  I skipped the Chicago adventure I imagined yesterday, and I ditched my HipCamp site last night for an extra two-hour drive and the comfort of my parent's home, a warm bed and a hot shower.  I didn't have it in me to pitch another tent.  I haven't gotten that hot shower yet, but the bed was nice, and I slept well.  I awoke to a sunny day here, cool by my standards, but it is only 10:15 am.  Where did summer go?

I tried my best to seize it, capture it, experience it, but I feel like much of it was taken from me in so many ways.  Storms and early fall weather were a couple of the culprits.  I won't name the rest.  And, as is so predictable of my nature, I will change my mindset, I will adapt my tone and take off on an optimistic retelling of my sojourn in the wilderness, some of it.  I will look back and find the good things, the beautiful, the serene, the sublime, if only for the memories, even if I might not be able to access the emotions right now.  I will share the joys of my journey with the hope that they will spark some remembrance of all the good that is in my life and make my heart feel lighter and dry the tears from the foremost forest of my soul.

The truth is, I had a really, freaking amazing time, rambling around with my dog, away from all responsibilities except finding a good trail to follow and securing a safe place to stay for the night. I loved being unplugged. 

No Internet may have meant no posting to Facebook, no texting everyone to let them know I was safe, but I felt fine. I felt more than fine.  I felt free.

I felt closer to my purpose and the source of all my creative longing.  I felt in the moment and fully alive.  I felt the excitement and anticipation of a new road unfolding before me each day and sometimes in the dark of night. Even the creepy scary times enlivened me.  I felt protected.  I knew I was protected.  I knew I had nothing to fear.  I would awake before dawn to set out on another adventure and welcome in the certainly of daylight.

I saw mountains and traversed mountains, in my car, on the trail and in my mind.  I will say it again, "I felt alive!"  I guess that is all I was looking for.  The question becomes, "Why don't I feel it where I am? "  I ask myself, "Why do I feel like my spirit is dying now that my adventure is over?"

And a lot of people I meet up with, those that have the balls, are asking me, " Why are you doing this? What do you think you are looking for?" 

And I try to give them an honest answer, as namby pamby as it might sound.  I try to share something that might give them hope or courage without giving them the idea that I am going off the deep end, never to return, as much as I might secretly like to.  The kicker...I think that they all do secretly want to go off their own deep end too.  Problem is, that's just not acceptable.

But, I take hope and I feel like my life is making a difference when I get one small, "I totally understand what you are feeling.  I feel it too.". And my favorite, "You're a bad ass, girl."

I felt a real sense of accomplishment when I showed up at my sister-in-law's surprise birthday party in Michigan and was able to say, "Yeah, My dog and I stopped to see Niagara Falls at 7 this morning.  It was beautiful!" All that while knowing I had to get up at 4:45 that day and leave the half certain security of the HipCamp RV I had graciously been given to stay in the night before so I didn't have to set up my tent in the dark in the field I had rented online.

And like the true hero's journey, my trip up to Maine was not without it's challenges and difficulties, but I survived them, once again gratefully, even though my car is minus a piece of passenger door trim, my cellphone screen is cracked and my family was in some unconfessed worry regarding my lack of communication, unbeknownst to me since the texts I sent just didn't go through.  

Acadia was magical and beautiful and I took lots of pictures as a reference for some upcoming artwork I hope to create. Margeaux and I walked 5 miles on the carriage trail that looped around Witches Hole.  We drove to the top of Cadillac Mountain to catch the tail end of sunrise and got caught in a beautiful storm.  I took the opportunity to journal and read from The Vagabond's Way, by Rolf Potts, the book I fell in love with as I continued reading on at the top of a random mountaintop in Vermont overlooking the famous town of Woodstock.

Between Cadillac Mountain and Vermont, I made an overnight stop in Boston to visit and stay with my stepson and his wife, enjoying the company, a shared Thai dinner and delicious cold brew coffee the next morning before I headed to check out historic Boston, including Minutemen National Park and the road from Lexington and Concord in addition to my guy Thoreau's Walden Pond, where the view was limited because dogs are not allowed in the park.  But I got some photos and it's good enough for me to include in the "been there done that" category of my resume, just like my movie hero Walter Mitty.

Which brings me back to this whole real world thing.  I've got to find a real job.  I don't know how this is going to work and the couple of positions that I think would be fun and challenging and interesting and worth my time... don't want me.  

It sucks, knowing that you have so much to offer and, well, people just don't appreciate it.  It's not like a movie.  It's not like Walter Mitty and I climbed a mountain in Maine and explored regions in this country and within myself that have changed my life.  

People in the real world want you to fit into cookie cutter boxes and check off all the standardized have-to-be 's.  They sure as hell don't want you coloring outside of the lines.  I'm not sure where that leaves a wanna be artist that just wants the world to be her canvas so she advance confidently in the direction of her dreams and can live a life that she has imagined.

That, and to get rid of social media and technology...as much as possible.  As much as desired.  To be really free.  It's a conundrum.  But John Mayer says it pretty well.  There's no such thing.  I believe it.  I'm just waiting to see it.  I'm stubborn that way... but grateful.

Alternatively you have Soul II Soul.  However you want to see it I guess.  That's what kind of started me down this path today.  Not laboring much, just belabouring the point that I went out to seek something and I am still trying to find IT.  And probably, I just won't quit until I do.  

If it's tangible, I will know when I find it, if it's not I will just keep singing and dancing and climbing and coloring inside and outside until I get the next beautiful chapter painted.  That's my life.  That's my reality.